Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
