just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
