Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
