I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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