If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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