dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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