you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
