Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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