Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
