maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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