You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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