my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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