I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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