I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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