i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
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