if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
