Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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