So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
