She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
