She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
