Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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