I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
