Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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