Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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