He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
