Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
