Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
