Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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