I wish I could teleport
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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