Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize