he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I need a beard to bite.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
