hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
