Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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