They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
