She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
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