I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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