He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
