Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
