DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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