I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
