Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
