if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
