I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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