My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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