I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
