Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
