Capitaan dildo arrescate!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
