just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
