i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize