i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
