my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
