Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
