Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
