I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
