During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
