8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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