I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
