Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
